I have spent the last 9 months living in the worst type of limbo. A limbo full of fears, questions, uncertainties, and self-doubt. Why am I here? What am I doing?
No, but really, what the hell am I doing?
I’ve spent my entire life knowing what I am doing. In high school, I was meant to get good grades, graduate at the top of my class, and get into a great college. And, that’s what I did. In college, I was meant to declare a major, find a path I enjoyed, and plan for grad school. And, that’s what I did. In grad school, I was meant to battle through the stress, plan for my career, and find the job for which I waited my whole life. And, that’s what I did. All of these things came easily for me — easier than for most. Not because I was lucky. Because I worked hard. Because I was driven by my goals. Because I had passion to reach the finish line. Passion (remember that for later).
Finish line reached! Job obtained! Everything I ever worked toward achieved! Everything should be perfect! Right? Right???
What was the purpose of this job that was stressful, rough, and literally mentally debilitating? My decisions were driven by politics, red tape, and other people’s opinions… This is not what I signed up for.
I’ve spent 9 months questioning my every life’s decision. Why did I choose this career? Why did I waste three long years of grad school for a job there is no way I can see myself staying in? Why didn’t I choose something more fun? Fashion? Journalism? I truly felt I based my whole life off of an illusion of a career that, as it turns out, is under appreciated, completely misunderstood (more on this in a future post), and, well, sucks.
I hated the life I spent my whole life creating. Wow. Strong statement, right? Nothing scarier than losing sight of your purpose and, therefore, losing sight of yourself. And, I am sure most of you reading this, have had this experience. And, for those of you who haven’t felt this way… I hope one day you do. Because I know now what I didn’t know before: it is the only way to grow.
Without pain, there is no growth. It is actually a tale as old as time.
When we begin to self-doubt, we begin to enter our own personal equivalent of hell. Self-doubt begins to crack our soul little by little. And, through these cracks, fear starts to seep in. Before you know it, our passion and our drive have been infected by fear.
I have to learn to release this clench I have on fear, and you do, too.
I have been put exactly where I was meant to be. And, now I know why. I have the potential to change, to fix what is broken, and to improve what is in dire need of evolution. That, in it of itself, is my purpose. But, I wasn’t able to see it before. I was blinded by the fear of the burden and the one consequential risk of taking on this burden: over-exertion.
Luckily, over-exertion need not be feared for the following reasons:
- Once you accept the journey of the need for change, it is fueled with passion.
- The capability of self-examination in raising the question of over-exertion in it of itself, allows for the ability to see when the line has been crossed.
- Our loved ones are meant to ground us when we begin to cross the line.
(THANK YOU to my loved ones who have grounded me the last several months. You know who you are.)
I didn’t create a life full of mistakes after all (Phew!). I had simply lost my passion.
By accepting my ability to change what is wrong, all the things bothering me will slowly begin to dissipate. The red tape, the politics, they will no longer bother me because I will be serving a greater purpose. In turn, my eyes will be on the bigger picture, not on merely “surviving.”
I will actually be living.
But, then again, maybe my passion was never lost. Maybe it was just waiting to be uncovered.
Only thing left to do is to jump right in. Which way will I go?
To be continued